11 years and the finale still sucks

Fox 5, which runs Seinfeld repeats in New York at 7:30 weeknights, last night once again aired the final episode. I caught part of it, but really, I can't watch this episode anymore for a couple of reasons: 1) they play it too often, 2) it still sucks.

Originally aired by NBC on May 14, 1998 (the day Frank Sinatra died), the episode was watched by 76 million viewers (58 percent of all viewers that night), and was the third most watched finale in TV history behind M*A*S*H (don't even get me started on that finale. It took me 20 years to get over that fiasco. Guess I have another 9 years to go for Seinfeld) and Cheers.

The challenge of writing a finale is, How do you make it good? If a show has been on a long time, you've basically milked it dry of ideas. It's not as good anymore. Writers, producers, directors, even actors have come and gone. The show is running on fumes. How do you recapture the original spark, get the edge back? Sadly, most shows can't. For a show as great and groundbreaking as Seinfeld, it was even more of a challenge. That's what co-creator Larry David faced when he sat down to write the final episode.

The finale's basic plot has the four central characters on a private NBC jet headed for Paris. Kramer, who has water in his ear, hops up and down to get it out, which somehow causes engine trouble, forcing the plane to make an unexpected stop in a small town in Massachusetts. While the plane is being repaired, the four take to the streets, and witness an obese man getting carjacked. Instead of helping him, they make jokes and video tape the crime. They are then arrested for violating a Good Samaritan law, and soon are put on trial. The joke being that they were charged for "doing nothing," when that was the whole idea of the show, a sitcom about "nothing." Sound funny yet?

During the trial, seemingly every minor character from throughout the series takes the stand to testify how horrible and self-centered the four are. Each character repeats his/her signature catch phrase ("You are a very bad man") as they recap how the four did them wrong. Now does it sound funny? There are also little inside jokes, like the judge being named Arthur Vandelay (a nod to Art Vandelay, George's architect alter ego). But the jokes aren't funny, and come off flat.

The trial ends with them found guilty, and sentenced to a year in jail. While they are all sitting in the jail cell together, Jerry and George have a conversation about shirt buttons, which is the way the series' first episode began.

For me, the road to the final episode was long. I was a fan of Jerry Seinfeld before the sitcom that beared his name, back when he used to appear regularly on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. When NBC gave Seinfeld a series (first called the Seinfeld Chronicles) I couldn't wait to watch it. Then in the early days of Seinfeld I saw him perform at Carnegie Hall. So I was a big fan right from the get-go.

Which all leads to the anticipation I felt for the finale. What would they do? How would it end? Would Larry David totally reinvent the concept of series finales? To my horror, I wasn't laughing, and as the clock ticked I kept hoping against hope that somehow it would turn around. I was waiting for it to get funny, or that in the very least, the end would be so fantastic and original, that the first horrible hour wouldn't matter.

I'm still waiting.

Aye Carumba! Simpsons Stamps!

Twenty years ago, a bratty little scamp named Bart and his disfunctional family saved the fledgling Fox network and made them legit. And believe it or not, the show is still going strong, and is still a cash cow for Fox.

Now it's time for The Simpsons, the longest-running primetime comedy in television history, to save the United States Post Office, who are low on cash and considering reducing their delivery days from six a week to five.

On May 7, the USPS releases their new Simpsons Stamps nationwide. They are also offering framed art of the stamps. I'm no stamp collector, but I'll be all over these. I'm going to order some of the framed art, too.

“We are emotionally moved by the Postal Service selecting us rather than making the lazy choice of someone who has benefited society,” said James L. Brooks, executive producer of The Simpsons. The USPS receives around 50,000 suggestions for stamp subjects each year, and selects around 20. My guess is they chose the Simpsons with hopes that they would generate a lot of extra revenue.

UPDATE: I just ordered the 11x22 inch framed giclée print of all five stamps. The post office is now $71.90 richer.

First Bike Ride of the Year

We've had a long, cold winter in New York this year. I felt like a bear in hibernation. But finally, the warm weather is here! It's 60 degrees, and I have the day off of work. What better chance to get my mountain bike up and running, air in the tires, oil on the chain? It felt good to finally be out there riding on the Old Croton Aqueduct Trail again. I took a nice 46-minute ride (yes, I timed it), and my legs felt nice and rubbery when I returned home and got off my bike. Of course, I forgot to stretch my legs beforehand.

Saturday Update: Today it was a 43-minute ride. Really feels good to be back out there. And yes, I remembered to stretch before the ride today.

On Self Publishing

I'm a member of an online writers workshop. There is a very active message board, and occasionally the subject of self publishing comes up. It is usually hotly debated, with some people vehemently opposed to the idea, while others view it as a viable option to the long haul of trying to get something published by one of the traditional houses. I try to steer clear of these arguments, because it's rather pointless. Either you believe in self publishing or you don't. To me it's the abortion issue of publishing. You can argue all you want, but in the end it's useless. You're not going to change anyone's mind. Anyway, I thought I'd post my response here, too:

I self published my first novel, Into the Sunset, after several near-misses landing an agent. I was frustrated and worried that someone else would come up with a similar plot as my novel, which would have completely screwed any chances I had of landing a "traditional" publisher. I still believe my novel is good enough for a small publisher, or even a large house. Would it have benefited from another pair (or two) of editorial eyes on it? Of course. What wouldn't?

But that's not to say my manuscript didn't go through an editorial process. I had my former creative writing teacher read an early draft. She gave me extensive notes which were invaluable to me, since this was my first attempt at a novel. Later drafts were read by fellow authors, and I received some constructive feedback. I workshopped several chapters in my writing group. Additional comments I received from agents were also incorporated into the mss. Finally, before I went to print, I had someone who works in publishing proofread the manuscript (I'm proud to say I have only found a few typos in the finished product, much less than most hardcovers I read).

I am glad to see self-publishing making slow, but steady strides. There are even awards, such as the Writer's Digest Self-Published Book Awards. Not all self published books are crap. Tom's point in another thread was that readers just want a good book to read, and they aren't looking at who published the book. This is true to a degree; the problem, though, is if you have written and published a great book (or a good one, or a shitty one), how do you get that prospective reader to know your book exists? That's the rub. And there IS still a stigma against self-pubbed books, though I think that will slowly change as better books are published. Let's face it, publishing is in flux right now, houses want to go with the tried and true, and not many authors can actually make a living being a novelist.

I am seeking an agent for my second novel (as I work on my 3rd and 4th), but I have no delusions that I will score big and quit my day job. So, having that attitude, it doesn't bother me if I have to self-pub again in the future. At least I'll have complete control over the product, including cover design. I will not allow myself to put out something I don't consider ready.

So my advice to those considering self-publishing: Go in with your eyes open, expect to work hard, and put out the best product you can. This includes workshopping your manuscript, getting it proofread, and please, please get a professional to design the cover. You can judge a book by its cover. ; ) Oh, and don't expect to make money.

By the way, I consider these endless arguments about self-publishing absurd. It's the abortion issue of the writing world. If you don't want to self-pub, DON'T. If you are pro self-pub, then you can pursue that route if you choose.

U2 Does New York

U2 took NYC by storm this week to promote their new CD No Line on the Horizon. They played David Letterman's Late Show every night (and sounded awesome), had part of Broadway temporarily renamed "U2 Way," and gave a free concert at Fordham University on Friday morning. And they are due to announce their tour dates on Monday.

That's NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg on the left, thinking about his stocks.

As a U2 fan, it's exciting to see them out there doing all this promotion, sounding great, and getting exposure. Being the biggest band in the world, they almost don't need to do all this. People have been waiting for four years for new material. And besides, No Line on the Horizon is seriously one of the best CDs they have ever released. I'm too lazy to go through it track by track here, but I'll sum it up by saying it is one of those records that gets better with each listen. Better still with headphones. There is a lot of meat on these bones.

U2's setlist at Fordham: Get On Your Boots; Magnificent; I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight; Beautiful Day; Breathe; Vertigo.

John Lydon Likes Country Life

Country Life butter, that is. Lydon, who rose to fame as Johnny Rotten in 1977 as the sneering lead singer the Sex Pistols, one of the original punk bands, has made a funny commercial for the British butter company.

Rotten and the Sex Pistols have always been anti-establishment, anti-authority, and definitely anti-Royalty. Still. They didn't even show up for their own induction into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame a few years ago. So is this a "sell out"? I don't think so. Just Lydon having some fun. And hell, even punk rockers need to butter their toast.

"People know I only do things that I want to or that I believe in and I have to do it my way," said Lydon. "I've never done anything like this before and never thought I would, but this Country Life ad was made for me and I couldn't resist the opportunity."

Tom Saunders, interviewed

Tom Saunders, author of the new short story collection Roof Whirl Away has been interviewed by Ian Hocking. Click here to read interview.

To read my review of Roof Whirl Away, click here.

The Boys of Summer Hit Spring Training

After the frigid winter we've had (are still having?), it's great to see baseball's spring training camps officially open. An exciting year is on tap for us Yankee fans, what with the new Yankee Stadium (below) opening in April, and the additions of starting pitchers CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, not to mention first baseman Mark Teixiera.


(Stadium photos from http://slidingintohome.blogspot.com)

U2 to spend a week on "Letterman"

This just in...U2 will be David Letterman's musical guest for a whole week, from March 2-6. Their new CD "No Line on the Horizon" will released March 3.

Now I just have to stay awake.

UPDATE: Thurs., March 5.
So far I've been able to stay awake for the first three nights! U2 sounds awesome. In case you miised it, you can catch it on Youtube or Letterman's CBS page.

U2's Pop

U2's new CD No Line On the Horizon is due to be released March 3, so in anticipation, I've begun to listen to some of the older ones. Released in 1997, Pop has probably been the worst received CD in U2's catalogue. I've defended this disc from the beginning, but there was always something I didn't like about it, something nagging. But I couldn't quite put my finger on what bothered me.

The individual songs are good: "Staring at the Sun" is a slick guitar pop song that got tons of airplay, "Last Night On Earth" is a typical U2 anthem, "Gone" is a soaring Edge showcase. "If God Will Send His Angels" is a slower song that would fit well on many other U2 CDs. Then there are the more experimental tunes, like the electronic "Mofo" and "Discotheque," along with "Do You Feel Loved," "Please," and "Wake Up Dead Man." Good songs all.

So what's the problem? Seems like there are a lot of good individual songs there, that you can really sink your teeth into. Well, it's taken me nearly 12 years, but I think I've finally figured it out. The CD feels more like a compilation than a cohesive collection. Pop doesn't have that central theme, like the longing of The Joshua Tree with its religious imagery, or the crunchy sound of Achtung Baby's breakup songs, or the American folk/blues of Rattle and Hum. Plus the over-the-top PopMart tour put some people off. Even if they got the tongue in cheek joke of it all, it seemed too much for the U2 image to handle. The overriding question was, Why?

I think even U2 felt they misfired a bit, and on their Best Of 1990-2000 collection they remixed the songs from Pop, but they miscalculated again. The songs didn't need remixing, and in fact sound worse. The songs weren't the problem, it was all the songs together that didn't flow right.

After Pop U2 took three years off, regrouped, and returned with the classic U2 sound with 2000's hugely successful All That You Can't Leave Behind, followed by the 2004 release How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb. Now the follow-up to that is imminent and I can't wait to hear the new sounds they have cooked up.

Boomerang Kids

There is an article in the Boston Globe today about "Boomerang Kids." Boomerang kids are adult children who return home to live with their parents. This is a major subplot in my comic novel Into the Sunset (I also call them boomerang kids). My character Wayne is an editor who is writing an article on the subject. Basically, it is the same article as the one in the Boston Globe! Here is the link:

Boomerang Kids

Dodger and Me

Dodger and Me, written by Jordan Sonnenblick.

I loved this book. Basic plot: loser kid (Willie) sucks at baseball, has an overprotective mother, tries to avoid an annoying girl (Lizzie), and is lonely after his best friend moves away. Enter a possibly imaginary blue chimp named Dodger wearing surfer shorts and an eye patch, who may or may not be a genie, and who may or may not help him overcome his problems. Along the way, and under Dodger's watch, things get way worse for Willie before they can get better.

Will Willie improve his baseball skills and help his team win the championship? Will his mother stop fussing over him so much? Will Lizzie ever leave him alone? Will he survive Dodger's plans to improve his life? And more importantly—what will his three wishes be?

The thing that really makes this YA novel pop is the writing. Just before reading Dodger and Me, I read another YA book from the same publisher. Good plot, likable lead characters, but the writing was just awful. But I finished it, and moved on to Dodger. What a breath of fresh air! The writing is engaging, funny, and just plain readable. As a writer myself, I think the best compliment I can give this book is that it is one of those books you come across that you wish you had written first. You don't have to be a young adult to enjoy Dodger and Me. Go get it!

Dodger and Me

Lost Season 5-Destiny Calls

Here is the poster for Season 5 of Lost. The new season starts Wednesday January 21, 2009! Before this summer, I had never seen even one episode of this show. Then I took the first three seasons out of the library and watched them all obsessively—3, 4, 5 episodes a day. The library only gives you a week, so basically I watched three seasons in three weeks. Do the math: 21 days and 69 episodes. Season 4 was less stressful: I bought the DVD set, and there were only 13 episodes due to the writers strike. So now I am officially caught up, after completing Season 4 this past weekend. It's going to really suck having to wait a week between episodes now.

Lostpedia

John Lennon's "One Laptop Per Child" Commercial

Rock & Roll Hall of Fame-NYC Annex

Well, they finally just opened (yesterday) the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex in New York, on Mercer Street in SOHO. I checked it out today and want to share my take on it. But first, a rant.

I can't be the only person to wonder why the original museum is located in Cleveland, especially since the induction ceremonies have always been in NYC. I'm sure the city of Cleveland isn't happy about this fact, as they are losing a lot of tourist money. For instance, Major League Baseball has their Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY. And guess where they have the induction ceremony? That's right, Cooperstown. They make a whole weekend out of it, with fans booking their hotel rooms months in advance, then descending on the town and dropping loads of cash while getting to see the new inductees, along with returning HOF members. But, whatever. At least NYC now has a branch of the R&R HOF and I don't have to go to Cleveland.


Photo: Richard Perry/The New York Times)

I bought my "preview" ticket online. It was $26.01 for the ticket, $3 service charge, and $1.50 extra because I wanted to pick up the ticket at the Will Call window. Total $30.51. Coat check was free. The tour starts in a room designed to look like a pub/rock club, with brick walls, wood floor, multi-colored stage lights, and stools arranged to face a large video screen. A history of Rock & Roll film is shown—all live performances—while quotes about the artist, concert posters, and accompanying footage are simultaneously shown on the other walls. The sound system is good, and loud, and I found myself tapping my foot throughout this segment.

When this part is over, you enter the exhibit part of the museum, and are given an iPod-like device with headphones. As you wander through the displays, music appropriate for each artist automatically plays. There seemed to still be some glitches here, because more than a few times the wrong artist played, or it stopped altogether and I had to hit the play button again. But all in all, it was OK, and a neat idea.


Photo: Richard Perry/The New York Times)

I don't want to give too much away, and ruin some of the surprises, but I will say the Beatles memorabilia was a little lacking, especially since two landmark events happened in NYC: the Ed Sullivan Show appearances, and the Shea Stadium concerts. These were not represented at all. They had one of Ringo's bass drum skins with the Beatles logo (see above), a prototype Vox hybrid guitar/organ of John Lennon's, some postcards the boys wrote to fans, and that's about it. Then elsewhere there was a studio piano Lennon used on some of his 70s records (but didn't own), but of more interest to me was his hand-drawn "Hair Peace" poster used during his and Yoko's famous bed-in for peace honeymoon (see pic below. Yes, that's the best I could do). I just stared at the poster, and envisioned John hunched over a table, or laying on the floor hand coloring the letters.


Bruce Springsteen fans will be happy, as a whole small room is dedicated to the Boss. Included is the actual 1957 Chevy Bel Air convertible that he owned in the 70s! Fans of the recently departed CBGBs will feel at home, with a small recreation of the famous club that includes the awning, some of the grungy bar tables and stools, graffiti covered doors, and even a urinal! No, you can't use the urinal.

Other highlights were an Elvis jumpsuit, Johnny Cash's cowboy boots (they were so high I wondered how he got them on—or off), a guitar smashed by Prince, and David Byrne's famous big suit.


The featured exhibit (in the large room before you exit) spotlights The Clash. Here they have handwritten lyrics, the outfits they wore on stage (including the military-style ones used for the Combat Rock album and tour), guitars, and even an old manual typewriter Joe Strummer used to write some lyrics. A live Clash concert is continually playing, and I stood there for quite a while just watching this exciting band do their thing.

Was it worth the 30 bucks? I think so. I spent nearly two hours going through all the exhibits, reading the handwritten lyrics, watching the videos, and listening to some good rock and roll.

NY Times article

Vatican forgives John Lennon for Jesus remark

In a March 1966 interview with Maureen Cleave of the London Evening Standard, John Lennon was quoted as saying, "Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me."

A teen mag in the US reprinted the quote in July and all hell broke loose. Southern radio stations banned the Beatles' records, albums were burned, the KKK protested their concerts, flowers stopped growing, the earth stopped spinning. Well, the last two things aren't true, but you wouldn't know it from some peoples reactions.

Now, 42 years later, the Vatican has forgiven John, saying that the "more popular than Jesus" remark was "a boast by a young working-class Englishman faced with unexpected success, after growing up in the legend of Elvis and rock and roll."

They have a point. On the other hand, at the time, the Beatles probably were more popular than Jesus with the kids. You're just not allowed to say it, I guess. Which led to Lennon's retraction/apology:
~
John: "If I had said television is more popular than Jesus, I might have got away with it, but I just happened to be talking to a friend and I used the words "Beatles" as a remote thing, not as what I think - as Beatles, as those other Beatles like other people see us. I just said "they" are having more influence on kids and things than anything else, including Jesus. But I said it in that way which is the wrong way."

Reporter: "Some teenagers have repeated your statements - "I like the Beatles more than Jesus Christ." What do you think about that?"

John: "Well, originally I pointed out that fact in reference to England. That we meant more to kids than Jesus did, or religion at that time. I wasn't knocking it or putting it down. I was just saying it as a fact and it's true more for England than here. I'm not saying that we're better or greater, or comparing us with Jesus Christ as a person or God as a thing or whatever it is. I just said what I said and it was wrong. Or it was taken wrong. And now it's all this."

Reporter: "But are you prepared to apologize?"

John: "I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry."
~
Check out the Beatles Number 9 blog for the full text of the original 1966 article.

Always and Everywhere

I want to tell you about an ambitious project, a benefit to help a family through a rough time. My good friend Laura Bowman, who is an Atlanta-based painter and artist, has written and illustrated a children's book to help raise money for her friend Margie, who is suffering from cancer. Always and Everywhere is a children's book featuring Margie and her 2 kids, Claire and John Mark. It assures us that mom is always with us.

The book launch and benefit will be held Thursday, November 20, at Mason Murer Projects, 325 E. Paces Ferry Road, Atlanta, GA. and includes a book signing and silent auction of the original artwork. All proceeds go to the Margie LaSalle Cancer Fund. If you can't make the event but would still like to help the LaSalle's by purchasing a book or bidding on the artwork, please go to the website at Always and Everywhere.

Roof Whirl Away by Tom Saunders, reviewed

I'm a fan of the short story. Written a few myself. So as a reader, I appreciate the form, and like to sink my teeth into a collection as good as the latest from Tom Saunders, Roof Whirl Away, which follows his 2004 debut collection Brother, What Strange Place is This?

26 stories in all, Saunders's characters are complex, real, flawed, and people you can either relate to, or feel that you know. And if you don't, you'll know them by the end of the tale. Saunders grabs you from the get go and doesn't let go. Here is the opener to the story "Bonny Craigallen," which leads off the collection:

I don't do the violence any more. I don't use my fists and I haven't touched a gun since the business with Garner. Anger flows through me nowadays, it doesn't get stoppered-up inside, an acid to burn and scar. It's no longer necessary to what I do. But I can still remember what it was like to be a dangerous man. The authority of it. The pride. The adrenaline. To front up another fledgling hard bastard and know you've gone further, oh so much further than he has.

Powerful stuff, and a strong voice.

There are many stand out stories in Roof Whirl Away, like the touching "Lasting," which is loosely based on the life of the 19th century English naturalist and writer Richard Jefferies; or the aging rock star of "Sunburst Guitar," whose prized Hofner guitar is stolen by a teenage street performer; or the hilarious "Big," which features adult star La Hooters McDade (Martha to her friends), who just needs a little R&R, some time off from being the larger than life La Hooters McDade.

I tried to pace myself while reading this book, so I could extend the pleasure as long as possible. But that didn't always work. I'd turn the page and be onto the next story without even realizing it. Roof Whirl Away is one of those books that makes me wish I owned a book store, so I could put it up front and spread the word about it. But I guess I just did! If you are a lover of the short story, do yourself a favor and get yourself a copy.

To purchase Roof Whirl Away, click on this link:
Roof Whirl Away

Ringo is very busy

And get off my lawn, you damn kids!!

Death Cab For Cutie @ Radio City

In my continuing Death Cab For Cutie obsession, I went to see them live at Radio City Music Hall Monday night. Here is a pic I took with my cell phone:

Even with a crappy, low-res cell phone picture, it looks like I was pretty close to the stage, right? Well how does FIRST ROW grab you? And the amazing thing is, I bought this ticket on Saturday. How did that happen? You got me. The seat was actually in a section they called "the pit," which consisted of about four or five rows that were actually in front of the normal front row. Maybe it was added at the last minute, I don't know. But hey, I'm not complaining.

Oh, and by the way, they were great!

I will possess your heart

OK, I've been obsessed with Death Cab For Cutie lately. If you're not familiar with them, check out this video for I Will Possess Your Heart, the first single off of their new cd Narrow Stairs.

Roof Whirl Away by Tom Saunders

Tom Saunders, one of my favorite authors, has just released his second collection of short stories, Roof Whirl Away. It follows his 2004 debut collection Brother, What Strange Place is This?

Spike magazine said this about Saunders's writing:
"One is tempted to view Saunders as a musician first and a writer second because his stories ring like fine crystal."

From the back cover description of Roof Whirl Away:
...The stories in this book are both varied and stylish, with a whole range of vivid characters caught in moments of reverie, indecision and drama.

Yeah! I just received my autographed copy in the mail, and I can't wait to dive in! I'll post a review when I'm done.

To purchase, click on this link:
Roof Whirl Away

Five Star Literary Stories hits milestone

I while back I blogged about Five Star Literary Stories. They seek out the best of the best—short stories that is. This is how it works: an editor of a publication nominates what he/she believes is one of their best stories, and gives the reasons why they think this. Then another author reviews the story. And of course a link is provided so you, the reader, can enjoy the story for yourself.

Five Star just hit a landmark, their 25th review! So check out the site, and discover some great stories and excellent writers.

Five Star Literary Stories' statement:

Five Star Literary Stories combines three integral facets of the writing life: publisher, story, and reviewer. Each story is editor-nominated and considered one of the best the mag has published.

I was lucky to be one of their first reviewers. Check out my review of "I've Got Dreams to Remember" by Andrew Bomback.

9/11 Anniversary; 9/11 books

Unbelievably, it's already the seventh anniversary of 9/11. It some ways it doesn't seem that long, yet on the other hand so much shit has gone down politically, militarily, etc. that it does seem that long.

I recently read a great book called Tower Stories: An Oral History of 9/11 by Damon DiMarco. DiMarco recorded these oral histories within a year after the attacks (in this edition he even followed up with some of the interviewees five years later to see how they were coping). He interviewed survivors, relatives, rescue workers, and those involved in getting everything up and running again, like Verizon workers who were vital in getting Wall Street reopened.

Another non-fiction book is the Pulitzer Prize-winning The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11 by Lawrence Wright. This is a must read for anyone interested in the rise of modern terrorism, and the chances we missed in preventing 9/11 from happening. 102 Minutes by Jim Dwyer is another must read, a gripping account of what happened between the time the first tower was struck, and the secong one fell. Then of course, there is the 9/11 Commission Report, even available as a graphic adaptation.

There are hundreds of non-fictions books on the subject, but how much good fiction has been written? Maybe the true stories are compelling enough, and we still need to hear them before we want to read fiction.

The most notable fiction are Don DeLillo's Falling Man, Ken Kalfus' A Disorder Peculiar to the Country, and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Have I missed any? Let me know.

I'd like to share with you my own little contribution to 9/11 fiction. It's called nineleven.

Sexy Beast

Here she is, my 2005 Toyota Matrix sporting new rims and tires. Look at that sexy beast! Now all I have to do is actually wash the car—inside and out—and I'll be good to go. Doesn't it look so much better than before?

On Chairs

I just moved into a new, bigger apartment (the reason for my recent lack of posts) and need to buy an arm chair and a smaller comfortable chair for my small "library." Sounds easy, right? Wrong. I think I've visited every store I can think of, either online or in person.

I've actually found a couple online that I like, but when you go to the actual store, they don't have them. Internet orders only. Well, besides the fact that I'm impatient and don't want to wait for an order to be shipped, I'd actually like to see the chair before I purchase it. Maybe even sit my rump in it and see if it is comfortable, and something that I'm going to want to use for the next decade or so.

So all of this leads me to the promised land of New Jersey and the magical kingdom of IKEA. And believe it or not, I'm actually excited about the trip. This is what my life has come to. It reminds me of Will Ferrell in Old School, when he first shows up at Mitchapalooza and gives the reason why he doesn't want to drink:

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
College Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

Of course, he does drink, and reverts to his old "Frank the Tank" days:

Maybe there's hope for me yet.

UPDATE 8/24: I went to the Paramus, NJ IKEA on Friday night, and bought the exact chair I had in mind:


This chair was designed by Nobura Nakamura, who clearly is a genius. The chair is stylish and comfortable. In fact the first time I really sat in it, I was asleep within fifteen minutes. I opted not to get the footstool, but may go back for it. Hell, I may even get a second chair!

The case of the missing hubcaps

That's my car below, a 2005 Toyota Matrix. I love it. Stylish, good gas mileage, tons of storage space in back, chick magnet. What more could you want?

Last year I lost a hubcap. Not the end of the world. I just figured I'd order another one. Before I got a chance to, however, I lost another one. Only the two front ones remained. Round about this time I began to notice other Matrixes were also missing hubcaps. (This is on the lower model, not the fancy-ass XRS version, which has actual chrome rims.) In fact, just about every other Matrix I saw was missing at least one hubcap.

One morning last week I left my house to go to work and noticed the front passengers side hubcap had also gone missing.

....And then there was one.

Where have all the hubcaps gone? Why don't they stay on the wheels of Matrixes? Why is Toyota selling cars that don't hold onto their hubcaps? Is Toyota aware of this problem? Or could this be some Detroit-led conspiracy? After all, Toyota is kicking ass and taking names, leading the pack with their hybrid Prius. Or maybe it's some sicko with a hubcap fetish, lurking in the bushes and popping off the hubcaps one at a time to feed his sick desires?

Well, I still have one left. It's only a matter of time before it joins its hubcap brothers, leaving my wheels naked and my car looking like some Manhattan gypsy cab. But I have to admire its tenacity. Maybe it'll stick around after all.


UPDATE 8/22: I've order new tires and new rims. Yes, real rims. No more hubcaps needed! Right after Labor Day I should have them on my car. If my last remaining hubcap sticks around till then, what should I do with it?

Pearl Jam ripping the roof off the joint

This is Pearl Jam at the VH1 show honoring The Who. They did Love Reign O'er Me and The Real Me. Check out bassist Jeff Ament on The Real Me (6:50), he's definitely channeling John Entwistle. And check out guitarist Mike McCready jumping around/windmilling/smashing his guitar in homage to Pete Townsend.

Cubicle Global Warming

There was a flood in my office the fourth of July weekend. So last week, my co-workers and I spent a soggy, smelly four days in the office trying to work, and trying not to inhale too much of the mold spores that were surely growing under the soaked carpet and behind the wet drywall. Facilities brought in heavy duty fans to try and dry things out, but basically all they did was circulate the moldy basement smell.

So the heavy guns were brought in. We were given the day off on Friday and a crew was hired to set up huge tubes piping in hot air, along with heaters, fans, dehumidifiers, and something called an air scrubber. This is what we came in to Monday morning:





It is hot in here now, but it is also dry. Very dry. All the moisture has been sucked out of the air. By the end of the day Monday, my eyes were dry, my throat was dry, and my colon was dry. Well, maybe not my colon, but who knows? Whatever, at least I get to wear shorts to work for a while.

Back when gas was $3...

No, not for a gallon, for half a tank!!

Good old P.I. Jim Rockford gassing up his gold Firebird while working a case. His fee? $200 a day plus expenses. Nowadays, the expenses would kill you. I'd insist my P.I. drive a Prius.

This must have been around 1976, when gas was 59 cents a gallon. So old Jimbo got 5.08 gallons of petrol in return, roughly what $22 would get you today.

The little book that could

If you're a reader who likes to discover new authors, here is a gem for you: The Understory, by Pamela Erens (Ironweed Press). The novel has just been shortlisted for the 2008 William Saroyan International Prize for Writing (winners to be announced September 5), and back in April it was a finalist for the 2007 LA Times Book Prize for first fiction.

Congratulations and good luck, Pamela!

Lost Marathon

So, until two weeks ago, I was probably the last person left to have never seen an episode of Lost. And now, somehow, I've watched half of the series, having just finished Season 2 on DVD (yes, I know you can watch it on ABC.com for free, but I don't like the sound of that little message that says I agree to give ABC "total access" to my computer while downloading their stupid little viewer).

Watching 48 episodes in two weeks is an impressive feat, but because I'm still two seasons behind the rest of the world, it would be pointless to offer up any of my own pathetic little theories. What I want to do instead is mention the eerie resemblance between Henry Ian Cusick, the actor who plays Desmond, and a young Eric Clapton:

It's distracting. When Cusick is on screen, all I'm thinking about is how much he looks like Clapton, and how someone should get on the ball and make a biopic about Clapton right now (are you out there, Martin Scorsese?). The timing is right, too, with the recent publications of both Clapton's and Pattie Boyd's autobiographies. Just work from those two books, hire actors to play Pattie and George Harrison, and by all means acquire the rights to the songs, and you've got a hit biopic on your hands which would include a hot soundtrack.

Okay, I need to get working on Season 3 now...

Into the Sunset on Reader's Circle

I've created a web page specifically for my novel, Into the Sunset. It includes the back cover sell copy, links to reviews and interviews, and contact information. I'll update it as needed.

Also, Into the Sunset is now live at Reader's Circle, a great site that connects book clubs with authors, and lets a book club set up a phone chat with the author. Check it out!

Interview with an Amorous Woman

Recently, I reviewed the excellent erotic novel Amorous Woman, by Donna George Storey. Now, I'd like to share with you a revealing interview I conducted with the author.
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Donald Capone: The novel opens and closes with Lydia—the title character in AW—back in San Francisco, having sworn off sex forever. Of course, I doubted her word from the beginning. Will the Amorous Woman return to her old tricks? Is there a sequel in the works?

Donna George Storey: That’s a very good question. Amorous Woman is my first novel and I discovered in the writing process that—as all of those how-to-write-a-novel guidebooks suggest—my characters soon developed wills of their own and didn’t always listen to me when I wanted them to do or say something for the sake of my plot. So I’m not sure I can predict what Lydia will get up to with American men, but I’m pretty sure it will be new tricks rather than old ones. So far there is no direct sequel in the works, but I am in the early stages of writing a novel about another amorous woman whose desires take her on an exotic journey. Except this time it’s not to Japan, it’s a trip back into the erotic mysteries of twentieth-century America.

DC: Many readers will take AW to be autobiographical, especially since it is written in first person (always one of the dangers of first-person narration). What percentage of it is autobiographical, and do you get strange looks from relatives now?

DGS: Although my real-life adventures in Japan were not quite so wild and edgy as Lydia’s, much of it is drawn from my own experiences. For example, I really did have dinner in a deluxe, three-hundred-year-old restaurant in Kyoto with a charming dentist one beautiful August evening and had an informal marriage meeting (a.k.a. blind date) with a salaryman who’d traveled to Europe on his own. About 50% of the book comes from my firsthand experiences plot-wise, but all of it incorporates my sensual reactions to Japanese culture, which I hope gives the reader the flavor of taking their own trip to that country. My close relatives have gotten used to my erotic writing years ago, but certain friends may be shocked when they read the book now that it’s available in the US. I’ll keep a watch for strange looks!


The author in front of Chimoto restaurant—serving fine dinners to dentists and their guests since 1718

DC: Memoirs are still going strong. Did it ever cross your mind to pitch this as a memoir to ease the road toward publication?

DGS: No, writers get in a lot of trouble for that and although they say any publicity is good publicity, I’d rather not take on that stress. There are so many memoirs from Japan travelers, no need to add mine to the crowd, plus I enjoyed the freedom fiction provided to let me express my truths about intimate relationships between Japan and the US.

DC: How did AW land with NEON, a British publisher?

DGS: This is in part another answer to the last question. One reason I wasn’t tempted to write a memoir is because I didn’t really know I was going to write a book at all. Orion in the UK wanted to start a line of high-quality erotic fiction to be called Neon, and they asked erotica editor Maxim Jakubowski (he does the annual Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica) to commission twenty-some novels from authors he knew. He asked me if I had something and I put together a proposal from an idea that had been simmering for a while. Apparently they liked it and asked me to be part of it. The book came out in the UK last fall.


The author wearing traditional kimono in Japan (1984)

DC: Any plans to translate AW into Japanese for publication in Japan?

DGS: I would love for the novel to be translated into Japanese. The Japanese have traditionally been interested in Western views of their culture and I think my novel provides an unusual perspective. Because it’s inspired by one of their classics, the 17th century Life of an Amorous Woman, I’m sure many readers would recognize aspects of the story I borrowed, such as the frame of two younger men asking an experienced older woman to educate them by sharing the story of her sexual adventures. I also tried to transcend stereotypes and give the reader more complex portraits of the Japanese. AW has no gangsters with missing pinkies or slobbering businessmen bent on world domination while dabbling in white slavery on the side. Even the housewives have interesting secret lives—writing pornography!


The author NOT wearing a traditional kimono

DC: Asteroids are heading toward Earth. Scientists predict there will be no survivors. You are chosen to pick the complete works of three authors to go into a time capsule for future intelligent beings to discover. Who are the three authors?

DGS: I’m going to be mostly selfish with a bit of civic duty thrown in. I have to go with Alice Munro’s complete works as my first choice for the time capsule. She captures the complexity and magic of the ordinary so well. Jun’ichiro Tanizaki, a great Japanese novelist of the twentieth century, does an excellent job of describing the confrontation of Eastern and Western sensibilities. I’d also pick the complete works of Richard Rhodes, a nonfiction writer who is known for the Pulitzer-Prize-winning The Making of the Atomic Bomb, as well as other books about nuclear energy, and the horrifying Masters of Death about the SS-Einsatzgruppen. That will give these intelligent beings a pretty good idea of the horrors we humans wreak. Rhodes also wrote an interesting memoir called Making Love: An Erotic Odyssey. It’s not pretty reading either, but it struck me as an honest confession of the sex life of an American male in the 20th century. Those are pretty rare.

DC: Give an example of how NOT to write an erotic scene.

DGS: First, the scene:

From the moment dreamboat-handsome Reginald walked into the room, all eyes were upon him. Yet his gaze was fixed only on beauteous Belinda, whose blonde mane and melon breasts bespoke her career as a supermodel. Belinda walked toward him, as if enchanted by those steel gray eyes. She was already flushed and moist between her legs. He took her arm and led her from the ballroom to the library, locking the door behind them. At once they embraced, their lips fusing, their clothing dissolving into puddles of cloth on the carpet. Then they were on the carpet, too, Reginald making love to every inch of her flesh with consummate skill. His magic tongue on her womanhood brought forth countless climaxes. The piston-like thrusting of his hips coaxed out dozens more. “Aaaaaaaah,” she sighed. “Arrrrgghh,” he groaned. It was sex beyond their wildest dreams—and to think they hadn’t yet been introduced, hadn’t yet spoken a single word to each other.

Next, the analysis: This scene sucks for all kinds of reasons. First good erotica needs tension and surprise—none here! The characters need a reason to be together—don’t see that either, right? I define good erotica as that in which the sex is physically and emotionally believable. Maybe guys have great sex with total strangers, but I’ve not yet met a woman who’s had her top experiences under such circumstances. Finally, avoid clichés or use them wisely or ironically. And I was definitely using them ironically here. You won’t find anything like this in Amorous Woman!

DC: Requisite question: Who would play the lead character, Lydia, in a steamy HBO mini-series based on Amorous Woman?


I think Amorous Woman would make an excellent HBO mini-series, rather like “Sex and the City” Japanese-style. Charlotte goes to Kyoto and turns into Samantha, with plenty of witty Carrie observations on international relations thrown in! I like Lauren Ambrose for Lydia. She has the right look, an erotic dynamo all wrapped up in strawberry blonde innocence. Ken Watanabe would make the perfect Kimura—flawless English, exquisite charm, sexy as they come.



Donna George Storey has taught English in Japan and Japanese at Stanford and U.C. Berkeley. She holds a Ph.D. in Japanese literature and has published over seventy literary and/or erotic stories and essays in Gettysburg Review, Fourth Genre, Best American Erotica 2006, Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica, Best Women’s Erotica and elsewhere. A story published in Prairie Schooner received special mention in Pushcart Prize Stories 2004. Her first novel, Amorous Woman (Orion, 2007) is the story of an American woman’s (very steamy) love affair with Japan inspired by Ihara Saikaku’s classic 17th century novel of the pleasure quarters. She is also the author of Child of Darkness: Yoko and Other Stories by Furui Yoshikichi (University of Michigan Center for Japanese Studies, 1997), a translation from the Japanese with critical commentaries. She currently writes a column, Cooking up a Storey, about her favorite topics—delicious sex, well-crafted food, and mind-blowing writing—for the Erotica Readers and Writers Association.

Half of a Yellow Sun, Five Star Literary Stories

A couple of weeks ago, I told you about an exciting new blog that highlights short stories that are "editor-nominated and considered one of the best the mag has published."

I hope you check out their latest review. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's "Half of a Yellow Sun" is reviewed by Susan Lago, and was nominated by Beverly Jackson, editor and publisher of Ink Pot. This story went on to win an O. Henry Prize in 2003, so please check it out!

A sexy, erotic, literary read

The cover of the erotic novel Amorous Woman by Donna George Storey has a seductive-looking Japanese woman tempting you to come hither and read the story that is clearly for "adults only" (as the cover warns). The prologue has the title character, Lydia, looking at her reflection in an airport mirror and swearing off sex in any form as she departs Japan for the United States, her homeland. Lydia isn't Japanese—she's a blonde American—but the reflection she sees (or imagines she sees) could very well be the Japanese woman from the book's cover. Lydia is in love with Japan, and her move there was an attempt not just to become Japanese, but to become part of Japan itself. Yet she'll always be a gaijin, a foreigner.

Lydia had moved to Japan to teach English, and to immerse herself in the Japanese culture. What follows is her sexual awakening, one that is driven by a fantasy life that barely stays one step ahead of Lydia's sexual reality. In fact, one feeds off the other. And don't forget, this is an erotic novel, and nothing is left to the reader's imagination. Yet, Amorous Woman is so much more than just the sex. Lydia's sexuality awakens, true, but so does her yearnings for romance, her lost father, and for just plain more out of life. This leads to a self-destructive lifestyle, as far as relationships go, that escalates to a point of no return.

The book begins with Lydia back in the States, telling her story to two young men who are her students (now she's teaching Japanese to Americans set to work in Japan). We get to hear the story along with them, and learn what happened to drive her out of the adopted country she loves. And what a story! Author Donna George Storey holds a Ph.D. in Japanese literature from Stanford, and like her character Lydia, spent time in Japan teaching English. She knows the territory. Storey's writing is very descriptive, and brings you right into Lydia's fantasy world of Japan. From the traditional marriages, to the fine restaurants (serving exotic, dangerous dishes like fugu), to the "love hotels" where married people go to cheat on their spouses and live out their wildest fetishes, to the hot springs resorts in the mountains north of Tokyo:

The bathhouse was deserted, the water smooth and glassy. Hot spring baths in Japan usually follow a guiding fantasy, transporting the bather to a rocky grotto, a tropical garden or terrace with the perfect view of Mount Fuji, even if the mountain itself is an image set in mosaic tile. This inn was more ambitious than most. The soaring cross-beamed ceiling, glowing pedestal lanterns, and swimming pool-sized cedar tub brought to mind the cathedral of a cult that worshipped both purity and indulgence. I was more than eager to make my own offering on its altar.

Lydia affairs aren't only with the men of Japan, but with Japan itself. And we get to go along for the ride. But what eventually makes the love affair end, what drives her back into the arms of America? What happened in Japan to have her swear off sex forever? The answer to those questions is why this book is a page turner—and not just because of the hot, steamy sex scenes.

But does the Amorous Woman really change her ways when she gets back to the States, and live a chaste life? Or will the old pull of sex draw her back into a self-destructive lifestyle? Will she ever find love again? Will the two young businessmen she is telling the story to revive her amorous ways by the end of the tale?

Maybe this isn't the last we've heard from the Amorous Woman. It's definitely not the last we've heard from Donna George Storey.

It's official: American Cool is a great book!

Susan DiPlacido's hot collection of short stories, American Cool, was the runner-up in the 2008 Beach Book Festival, romance category! Congrats to Susan! The book is also a semi-finalist in the 2008 Independent Publisher Book Awards (better known as the IPPYS), erotica category. The winners will be announced May 23. Good luck!

To purchase American Cool:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble

UPDATE 5/23: The IPPY awards were announced today. Susan DiPlacido walked away with a bronze medal! Congrats Susan!

37. Erotica
Gold: Erotic Interludes 5: Road Games, edited by Radclyffe and Stacia Seaman (Bold Strokes Books)
Silver: Sex Libris: A Book About What Everyone Thinks They Know, edited by Christopher Meason (Welcome Books)
Bronze: American Cool, by Susan DiPlacido (Rebel Press/iUniverse); Slave to Love, by Nikita Black (Cajun Hot Press)

IPPYS

Five Star Literary Stories

If you are a lover of short stories, check out this new site, Five Star Literary Stories. Their statement:

Five Star Literary Stories combines three integral facets of the writing life: publisher, story, and reviewer. Each story is editor-nominated and considered one of the best the mag has published.

So, if you're short on time, and can't comb through the many outstanding online journals out there, if you want to just sit down with your morning cup of joe and read a great story, look no further! Five Star Literary Stories is now online!

I am thrilled to be one of their first participants. Check out my review of "I've Got Dreams to Remember" by Andrew Bomback.

Funnymen by Ted Heller

It's been a few years since I first read Funnymen by Ted Heller (it was published in 2002). I read so many books, and my memory is shot anyway, so it was time to give it another go (Heller is also the author of one of my all-time favorite comic novels, Slab Rat.)

The "funnymen" of the novel are the fictional comedy duo of Fountain & Bliss, loosely based on the legendary team of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. The narrative is unique, set up documentary style, as if Heller himself had interviewed all the major and minor characters of the Fountain & Bliss world. All of these characters (and boy are they characters!) tell of the meeting, union, and rise of the loony comedian (Bliss) and the girl-chasing crooner (Fountain), from the Catskills in the 1940s, to Hollywood of the 1960s, and beyond—past their eventual breakup, and into old age. Each character tells his/her version of events in a unique, identifiable voice, which I know (as a writer) is a hard trick to pull off.

The storytelling in Funnymen is engaging, spot-on, satisfying, exhausting, and more importantly—funny. When the laughs come (and there are plenty of them), it's because you as the reader know the characters so intimately, that you get the joke on every level, as if you are laughing at a long-time friend or family member.

So that's two great novels now from Mr. Heller, but the question is: When is the next one? It's been six long years since Funnymen was published. Ted, if you're out there, help me out. I need some more Heller. I'll be a first reader for you if you need one. Call me.